“Facebook Is Making Me Crazy…….okay CRAZIER”.

If you are at all like me (well, what are the chances of that? And I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, anyway) then you have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.

It all started years ago when I was still using Myspace, which I was totally happy with. But then Facebook came along and ruined everything. Myspace was nearly perfect as far as I was concerned. It was fun, simple and easy to use. In fact Myspace even allowed you to post your own blogs so I wouldn’t need this site. But Facebook gave people more options, options that in my opinion were not needed. But it was new and everyone was switching to Facebook. So. Then Myspace overreacted and tried to be more like Facebook and just ruined that site in the process. I still miss the original Myspace to this day.

In fairness, Facebook was not that bad in the beginning but like every other site on the web they kept trying to improve it. And by “improve” I mean ruin it by making it more and more complicated. They gave us the “imoji”. Soon came the “GIFS”.  Why does everything have to be conveyed via gifs ? I’m still not entirely sure what a “GIF” is! Then they started adding more and more advertisements. Next ….POLITICS !!!!  Now I have strong political views but I don’t have to constantly be reminding everyone what they are. I’m not going to change your views and you are not going to change mine! PLEASE make them go away.

But the latest traits are the ones that really annoy me. Now they have to tease us. They have these new posts that lure you in with headlines like “your favorite TV and movie stars, what do they look like now?”. Or. “Here are the 25 …..what-evers….. that you should buy but can’t afford”. You know the posts that I’m talking about. If the post has the words best ever, worst ever, where are they?, what are they?, which would you?, or something similar …. STAY AWAY, because once you are there you are asked to “start the slide show” which means you are likely going to be there for HOURS !!!! And to get you interested in the beginning the first page will probably have at least 4 or 5 “facts” about the topic. But then the next pages will have only 2 facts, then one fact and it takes for ever to get to the final fact which is nothing you didn’t already know or hadn’t seen before you were lured into the stupid post in the first place !!!

And the real purpose of these posts is to bombard you with advertisements. If your internet is anywhere near as slow as mine the pages take forever to load. And then just as you are about to click on the “NEXT PAGE” arrow, the page shifts and you end up clicking onto an advertisement, not the next page arrow !!!! I HATE THESE THINGS !!!

And now the latest “improvement” is advertisements in the middle of videos !!! You know what I mean. You see a post with a video (because they all have to have videos now, another improvement) that catches your interest. So you click on the arrow and your video starts. But after about 10 or 15 seconds the video is interrupted by an advertisement. And in small print it says “your video will resume in 30 seconds” or something like that !!! These things are not serving any purpose other than to make me crazier than I already am !!! Not to the viewer, not to the party posting the video nor to the people posting the advertisements because if you are at all like me, either you exit the video as soon as the ad starts or you don’t even bother to try to view these videos any more !!! I find myself longing for the days when videos had the ads at the beginning and you could skip it after about 5 seconds. How sad is that ?

And now I am left wondering …WHAT NEXT ???? Videos to share with your pets? People already have profiles for their pests so isn’t that just the next logical step? OR How about allowing you to hack other peoples profiles ? That would be fun !!!!

I guess none of this really matters because pretty soon none of us will be able to afford the internet anymore because of the end of Net Neutrality !!!!  Oh no !!! That was political !!!  Now they’ve even got me doing it !!!!

As always. Feel free to leave a comment !!!!

 

 

 

 

 

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“TIME TRAVEL” or “BEEN THERE, DONE THAT”.

Hi again folks. In today’s post I will be discussing whether time travel is possible or not. And as always, my opinion is the correct opinion and the only one that matters. If you don’t agree with me then start your own damned blog.

So. Here we go. In my opinion the answer is a resounding NO !!!! Now I could go into a long scientific explanation using quantum physics and mathematical equations but you are all to stupid to understand all of it so I will spare you that.

But all you really need to do to prove to your simple minded selves that time travel is not possible is to just look around you. If time travel were possible then we would be surrounded by people from the future and they would stick out like sore thumbs in their time travel uniforms which consist of orange sneakers, black dress slacks, bright red sweater vests and tin foil caps. And the people from the future would definitely not have allowed Trump to become President. Or they would at least have done something to stop the existence of HIPSTERS !!! The fact that hipsters still roam the earth with their stupid flannel shirts and ugly beards is proof enough that time travel is not possible !!!

In fact I am so sure that time travel is not possible that I am inviting anyone from either the past or the future to leave their thoughts on the subject in this very blog.

I’m waiting !!!!!

 

7/14/2084. This is future Chris. I have taken time out from my busy schedule as Emperor of the Galaxy to tell you that you are indeed correct. Time travel is not possible !!!  Ha, Ha, Ha !!! Of course it’s possible you idiot. However. Now because of your stupid blog I have had to order a change in the official time travel uniforms. The new uniform will consist of white Adidas tennis shoes, kaki cargo shorts, black tee shirts and oversized Ray Bans sun glasses !!! Crap. Did I type that out loud? Forget that. Anyone you see in white Adidas, kaki shorts, black tee shirts and oversized Ray Bans are NOT time travelers. GOT IT ? Good. And as far as Trump goes, well we sent a terminator to take care of him but it seems that the Russians destroyed it. And as far as the hipsters go, well their just so damned funny that we just had to leave them alone !!! Now I have to go as I have to deal with the CAT WARS !!!

 

4/21/2099.  Future Chris here again. OH MY GOD ! THEY KILLED KENNY  !!!!

 

7/4/3011. Future Chris here again. I don’t have much time. Don’t trust the KITTENS. They’re not what they seem ! On no ! They’re coming for me !!!!!

 

9/21/3051. Future Chris here again. The winning powerball lottery numbers for 12/30/2017 are 4 – 22 – 26- 5j0ej9whttt#%@*   Oh no you don’t. This is Sergeant Gumbyhead of the future lottery police. Sending winning lottery numbers to the past is an offense punishable by death. Future Chris has just been executed and now I must shut down this blog !!!!!!!

 

 

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“MERRY CHRISTMAS” ( That’s right. I said Christmas )

My regular readers who really know me will probably be surprised by this post. That’s because if you’ve been following my posts for a while then you know that I am an atheist. But with this post I am actually going to defend keeping the CHRIST in Christmas .

WHY ?  Because growing up as a kid it was always Christmas to me and Christmas is for kids. Why spoil it for them ?  Why make kids ask their parents what is the difference between Christmas and Xmas ?  Let them enjoy it while they are young and worry about the Xmas part when they are grown up and ready to decide for themselves what to believe.

Is it really going to hurt someone as an atheist to say Christmas ? If you are that uptight about it then you are even more screwed up than myself and if this weren’t a Christmas blog I’d say you should be put out of your misery. But I won’t suggest that….. for now !

I mean, I’m not Jewish but I still wish my Jewish friends Happy Chanukah ! ( Wow ! I actually spelled that right the first time. Let’s face it, Hebrew is one crazy language. I mean it sounds like German and looks like Chinese !) So why should I single out my Christian friends to annoy ? Normally I’m an equal opportunity annoyer but not tonight !

Now. For my regular readers who would rather talk about the commercial side of Xmas , well you’re in luck. Because for a limited time only you can purchase an autographed copy of this post and/or any of my other posts for only $19.99. Just leave your address and your credit card info in the comments section of this post. ( or you can just text JESUSWHO to 666 ) But wait. That’s not all. As an extra added bonus you will receive an actual photo taken at the birth of Christ signed by Joseph AND Mary . And as if that’s not enough you can double the offer by just paying a separate fee !!! But act now. Supplies are limited.

 

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“My Cat Polly versus Donald Trump, Who would make the better president ????”

This post is exactly what it says it is. It’s a side by side comparison of My Cat Polly to Donald Trump to decide who would make the better president of the United States.

So. Let’s get started !!!

#1 My Cay Polly is cute !

Donald Trump, not so much !

#2 My Cat Polly is NOT A NAZI !

Donald Trump, Pretty much IS A NAZI !

#3 My Cat Polly had a hard life. She was born and lived out in the woods in the middle of nowhere till I adopted her. She knows what it’s like to struggle to get by !

Donald Trump was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and had everything handed to him !

#4 My Cat Polly HATES RODENTS !

Donald Trump wears a rodent on his head!

#5 MY Cat Polly survived the cat / raccoon wars of 2012 and was awarded “The Shiny Medal”, The cat equivalent of the Medal Of Honor for saving 3 of her fellow kittens from the evil raccoons !!

Donald Trump never fought anywhere or sacrificed anything in his life and was GIVEN a Purple Heart by a veteran . A Purple Heart is given to any soldier who may have gotten wounded in combat, even if the wound occurred while running away and falling down and twisting his or her ankle !

#6 My Cat Polly likes all people, no matter what their color, religion or sexual preference might be. Specially if you feed her or rub her belly !!!

Donald Trump hates everyone who is not a WHITE, HETEROSEXUAL, CHRISTIAN, MALE . Even if they do feed him or rub his belly !

#7 My Cat Polly has never run a business into bankruptcy and is not driven by GREED  !!!

Donald Trump has run at least six businesses into bankruptcy, while not losing a penny of his own money because he IS driven by GREED . And he’s actually a terrible business man !

#8 My Cat Polly is basically KIND !!!

Donald Trump is MEAN !!!

#9 My Cat Polly would never build any wall tall enough that she couldn’t jump or climb over !

Donald Trump wants to build a giant wall between Mexico and the United States !

#10 My Cat Polly has never worn any clothing that was manufactured outside of the United States.

Donald Trump’s entire clothing line is produced in CHINA  !!!

#11 My Cat Polly would never fire nuclear weapons !

Donald Trump can’t wait to get the codes to our nuclear weapons so that he can NUKE THE MIDDLE EAST !!!!

#12 My Cat Polly will make sure this country remains friends with the rest of the world !

Donald Trump will isolate this country from the rest of the world and make all the other countries hate us !

#13 My Cat Polly loves babies and would never yell at one and have it removed from one of her rallies just because it was crying !

Donald Trump hates crying babies !!!

#14 My Cat Polly doesn’t LIE. If she says she’s hungry, you can be sure she is hungry !

Donald Trump ALWAYS LIES  !!!!

#15 My Cat Polly is loyal and does not have a big ego !

Donald Trump cares only about himself and has a gigantic ego !

#16 My Cat Polly has been spayed and can never reproduce. She will never add to the problem of overpopulation.

Donald Trump can reproduce and SHOULD be neutered so that his blood line ends as soon as possible !!!

There you have it.

My Cat Polly is obviously the better candidate for president than Donald Trump.

And if a CAT can be a better candidate, imagine how much better a WOMAN, like Hillary Clinton would be.

I rest my case.

Thank you for your time and please take the time to leave a comment !!!

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” Death By Comunication ” !!!

Hello out there all of my followers. And there are more of you than you might think. It’s been quite a while since my last post. And I’m sure you’ve been biting your finger nails just wondering when I would be back and what I would come up with next. Well your prayers have been answered. The waiting is over. I’M BACK !!!!!

Now. If you’re at all familiar with my writings, then you know by now that I’m a pretty crazy, paranoid old man. And this piece should not do anything to change anyone’s mind about that.

So. Let’s get started.

The subject of my latest rant has been buzzing around in my head for quite some time now and has grown from a small idea to a full blown theory !!! And that subject is MICROWAVES and how they might be effecting not just our environment but also our behavior as human beings.

Originally, years ago, when all the talk about global warming ( climate change ) started to HEAT UP, I mentioned to someone much smarter than myself who will remain nameless ( starts with Ch and ends with arles ) that perhaps microwaves had a large role in the rise of temperatures around the globe. After all, microwaves are everywhere. And what is one thing we know about microwaves ???? THEY COOK THINGS !!!! So maybe they are cooking the planet. But my much smarter friend assured me that they don’t work that way. But what if my smart friend is wrong ? What if we don’t know everything about what microwaves are capable of ?

And then I started thinking that maybe this is just the tip of the microwave iceberg, if there are indeed any icebergs left ? What if microwaves can actually effect our behavior or even effect our physical and mental health. I mean there are always studies on whether cell phones might have an adverse effect on peoples brains. It seems for every study that says they have no effect there are just as many studies that say they might.

And I’m not really big on conspiracy theories, well not since my drug days in the 70’s anyway, but is there really anything that the powers that be would want to cover up more than the fact that microwaves are BAD !!! I mean, all of our communication relies on microwave technology ! Cell phones, TV, satellite radio, they all rely on microwaves. So if it came out that microwaves WERE harmful and we had to stop using them we would be thrown back into the dark ages as far as communications are concerned. And no government or large corporation is going to stand for that. So they just might be covering something up.

Maybe all these microwaves are effecting our moods. Making people more aggravated, violent or depressed. Just think. We have always had the occasional serial killer but we never really had all these mass murders until the last 10 or 15 years. Just about the time cell phones became the norm. Maybe microwaves are aggravating people and causing them to act out violently. Even terrorism has escalated since about that time. And people are starting to die younger. Cancer is everywhere these days. Everyone knows someone who has or had cancer. Has anyone ever studied the effects of microwaves on cancer cells ? Not only if they cause cancer but maybe they have the effect of accelerating the growth or movement of cancer cells.

And I’ve always been somewhat crazy but over the last 10 or 12 years I seem to have gotten a lot worse. I’m depressed, have anxiety attacks and have the attention span of a cat due to my ADHD. I take enough medication every day to chill a cheetah !!!  Oh ! Look ! Something shiny !!!. What was I talking about ? Oh yeah. It seems that the intensity of all of my crazy symptoms have gotten extremely worse since about the time cell phones started showing up everywhere. It’s also about the time I got my first cell phone myself. Coincidence ? I wonder !!!

Think about it. Every day we are all bombarded with microwaves. They are everywhere . They must be doing something. Look what they do to POP CORN !!!! Why else would they tell us to turn our cell phones off in hospitals or doctors offices?  And why do they tell people with pacemakers to stay away from microwave ovens ?

Now chances are that my super smart friend is right and I’m just crazy and paranoid without the help of microwaves. But what if I’m right ???? Think about it !!!!!

As always, thanks for visiting and reading my site and please feel free to leave a comment…. that is if you’re not feeling just a bit CRAZY !!!!!!

 

 

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“Dead and Company” FINALLY get it right !!!

Well it’s been almost exactly 5 years since I wrote my post about the Grateful Dead touring under the name “Further” and a lot has changed since then. There have been many iterations of the band. Either solo projects such as “Phil and Friends” or Bob Weir’s “RatDog” or group projects leading up to what were supposed to be the final shows featuring the 4 remaining original members of The Grateful Dead. Bob, Phil, Mickey and Bill. Calling the tour the “Fare Thee Well” tour, the “core 4 ” were joined by Trey Anastasio  on guitar and vocals, Bruce Hornsby on piano and vocals and Jeff Chimenti on various keyboards and vocals.

I have heard 4 of the 5 shows from that tour and even though they were good, they left me feeling it was time to put the band to sleep once and for all !!!

Now all of a sudden the band is back again under the name “Dead And Company”. This time the band is stripped down a bit. Most notably, Phil Lesh is gone. Also gone are Trey Anastasio and Bruce Hornsby. So this time around the band consists of Bob Weir on rhythm guitar, lead and background vocals, Bill Kreutzmann and Mickey Hart on drums and percussion, Jeff Chimenti on all keyboards and background vocals and new members Oteil Burbridge on Bass and backround vocals and John Mayer on lead guitar, lead and background vocals.

Well to my surprise, this new lineup has injected new life into what seemed like a washed up band. It seems the changes all work.

First of all, I find myself not missing Phil at all. In fact, I’m glad I don’t have to listen to his awful vocals anymore. And let’s face it, he hasn’t been the same bass player since switching from 4 to 6 string bass. There is something to be said about the way a players approach or style changes when changing from 4 to 6 strings. Phil started to sound more like a guitarist playing in a low register than a real bass player.

In fact I think this band sounds better with Oteil on bass. Whereas Phil was never really known for anchoring the bottom of a song, he was more known for his ability to jam, Otiel is great at slipping into the groove and thereby bringing the whole rhythm section along with him. This was evident on songs like “They Love Each Other”, Loose Lucy” and “Sugaree”. In fact I never cared for the song “Loose Lucy” live before but this band made it burn !!! In a sense, on songs like these, the band comes across sounding more like the Jerry Garcia Band than The Dead. And to me, this is a good thing. And that’s not to say Oteil can’t jam. He is one of the better jamming bass players out there today and easily glided from song to song.

And then there is Jeff Chimenty taking over all of the keyboard duties. Again a great decision. In my opinion, Bruce Hornsby always overplayed on the piano and didn’t seem to fit in with the bands sound. And his vocals were nothing to be impressed by. He was just another bad singer in a band already full of bad singers. While Jeff Chimenti is probably the best fitting keyboard player the band has had since Keith Godchaux, if not the best they have ever had. He fits in seamlessly and adds decent backing vocals.

But the biggest addition and surprise here is the job John Mayer does playing lead guitar and adding some sorely needed lead vocal help. He’s probably the only member of the band who can actually sing. And where Trey Anastasio did his best to fill in for Garcia, his playing is more one dimensional coming from a jam band background and sounding like a dozen other jam band guitarists. While as much as I hate to say it, John Mayer can easily play many guitar styles after, dare I say it, prostituting his talents for many years. But in so doing, he actually has been influenced by many of the same styles that Jerry Garcia was influenced by. Specially the BLUES. Jerry was very much influenced by the blues. While Trey had no trace of blues in his playing, so when John Mayer plays like Garcia it doesn’t sound forced or like he’s trying to copy Jerry. It flows naturally. It sounds like he’s taken Jerry’s style and made it his own. And the man can jam. The jam in the middle of “St. Steven” will take you back to the early 70’s when, in my opinion, The Dead were at their peak.

And the other big plus with John Mayer is that the guys let him do A LOT of lead vocals. On Jerry’s songs his vocals add a very soulful touch. Yes. The man can sing. His singing and playing on the encore of “Brokedown Palace” are spot on. PERFECT !!!

Now there were a few mistakes. Even funny ones like when Bob Weir sang the first word to “Dark Star” and his voice totally broke up. So much so that he and the whole audience let out a big laugh. But that just goes to show how loose the band was. They were having fun again which was not really the case in the “Fare Thee Well” shows. They definitely did NOT seem to be enjoying themselves that much in those shows. But other than that little mistake and a few other small ones, the band as a whole hit all the marks. They played the songs like they haven’t been played in years. And they easily jammed from one song into another. And as for the few mistakes, well, the Dead have never been known as a tight band that didn’t make a lot of mistakes.

SO. All in all. I’d have to say that this is the best post Jerry Garcia version of the Dead I have ever heard.  And I hope they continue playing together in this configuration. And I think they will. When they came out to do an encore, John Mayer stepped up to the mike to say a few words, ending by saying….. We’ll see you again next year !!!!

After all that, I’d like to say, that just as I feel about all of the other fringe artists who join the Dead’s family, I hope John Mayer is sincere about playing with this band. He’s been saying all the right things in interviews, but he looked a bit silly wearing his blue bandana, headband for this show. I hope he’s not just looking at the Dead Heads as another audience to cash in on. I really hope that he plans on playing more great music with this band in the future !!!

 

 

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” The Legend Of Mary, Queen Of Scots” !

No This is NOT a history lesson. It’s not about THAT Mary. It’s more like history in the making !

It’s not like any post I have ever written before !

This is the “True Story” of a woman I met on an online dating site long ago and who has become my good friend, even though we have never actually met. It does not have anything to do with the older blog I wrote on “Internet Dating”. It’s totally different.

WHY ?

Because the woman who is the subject of this post actually REQUESTED that I write about her after reading my blog site.  She has FULL CONTROL over the FINAL EDIT of this post. This is her story the way she wants it told, as close as I can get to it. Of course with a little humor thrown in by myself. It’s actually more of an advertisement for her rather than a post meant to amuse my readers. Sort of a “Public Service Announcement” !

As I said, this is a true story. However the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Although I doubt the word “innocent” is used very often in reference to our star subject.

So.   Let’s meet our heroine !

I will call her “Mary” as it fits well with the title I had already picked out. As you will see, the title fits the story perfectly !

Now. If you were ever to meet Mary at her day job in Ohio, you would think she was just your average, run of the mill, Pharmacist, although more attractive than most. But I assure you there is nothing “AVERAGE” about her,

At night she becomes someone completely different. That’s right, Mary has a secret. She is a self proclaimed NYMPHOMANIAC ! She will tell you she is very proud  of the fact that she has been kicked off “OKCupid”, (our preferred dating site) no less than three times for nudity ! That’s right folks, the Mid West Bible Belt has a seedy side.

But that’s only part of her secret. She’s also what she likes to call a “Scotophile” !  That’s right boys and girls, Mary won’t sleep with just anyone. In order to get on her “A LIST” you have to look good in a kilt. Or eat Haggis and Black Pudding. And drink Dewar’s or Scottish Ale. But most importantly, you have to speak with a REAL Scottish accent. That accent is what will really make Mary melt in your mouth OR in your hands ! She once told me her motto is, “A Scot in her hand is worth two in her bush, or wherever else she feels fit to put you” ! Oh. And extra points if you are really good at playing the Bag Pipes !

And don’t worry ladies. Mary likes both the Lads AND the Lassies. Mary is an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY SEDUCER !

So. Why would she ask me to write this blog? Well it seems Mary needs my help. It seems this year’s crop of Scotsmen is a WEE BIT  thin. That’s right. Mary is having a bit of trouble keeping her “DOCKET” full, if you know what I mean !!! So she’s asking me to let all of you Scots out there know that she is looking for YOU ! So if you are a Scot, get on your computer or smart phone and open a profile on OKCupid. This is the dating site she uses to hunt down her prey.

But you must be a legit Scot . Mary can smell a fake Scot a mile away. And she might be willing to settle for anyone from Great Britain, as long as you ROCK THAT ACCENT !!! But don’t try to waste her time. She knows what she want’s and won’t settle for less. I once asked her if she might go for a Beer Drinking German wearing Lederhosen, but to my shagrin, she wasn’t buying it ! It’s got to be a Scot (or an Englishman in a pinch) or no one !

So once you are on OKCupid (OKC), don’t bother looking for her. Just use as many Scottish phrases or words that you can think of and Mary will find you. By using keyword searches and other tricks, she will sniff you out if you are indeed a real, authentic Scot . And if Mary does pick you out of the crowd, then THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS !!!!!

Now if this post works and helps Mary in her quest, I eagerly look forward to sitting around ye old internet camp fire with Mary, listening to her tell tales of her Scottish Conquests, such as all the Scots who have already flown across the pond or traveled from other places around the globe just to please my favorite Scotophile, Mary, Queen Of Scots !!!!!

As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two, specially YOU MARY. as I’m sure you will be checking this post out !!!

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